helga von porno

Tales of my fortunes in London involving philosophy time travel heroin addicted granny, prophesy, prostitution, murder, global conspiracy, friends, and personal finances. I am from east germany and fled to england when my parents where murdered and have been living here unofficially since.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Most Powerful

It came suddenly but fully, no noise, no light but a darkening in Londoner's skulls for a moment and a straining of the blood and it was there, on Trafalger square, a big green heap, shaped like a beehive, as liquid as a solid can be, tentacles, instruments, toungues, smoke, mirrors, orifices, gasses extruding and intruding with methodolgical menace. In tabloid speak a hundred foot alien had appeared out of nowhere in Trafalgar square.
Cars driving towards it in a five hundred metre radius were crushed to a pulp. Aeroplanes flying above it imploded and pulverised. First the police then the army were called. All offensive weapons in Britain melted and transmogrified into stinking crystals.
The agent of this death and destruction scarcely moved apart from a pulsating vibration like breathing or swallowing or perhaps both.
Jasmin It, anarcho police woman, blue eyes slightly too close together, blond tufty moheecan, unhealthy pallor, tiny tartan mini skirt, crooked teeth, cheap trainers with no socks, bruises and scabs on her bare white legs, track marks up her arm, was sitting in her squat with her feet up on the desk fiddling with a used needle when dozy Dave stumbled in to the room.

DAVE: Oi! Jaz! Yewl nevah gess wot! There's only a facking fousand foot alien that looks like the facking gerkin only greener in Trafalga Square. Giz a shag.
Dave stumbles over to Jasmin It and gropes up her legs.
JASMIN IT: Fuck off Dave you pissed cunt. I'm off to check out this Alien.

Jasmin is standing in Trafalgar Square in front of the alien, it is talking to her through a mouth on a protruding tenticle. No one else is around. The streets are deserted but for the wrecks of cars and buses filled with pulpy corpses with eyeballs squeezed out.

JASMIN: Why have you killed all these people? What do you want?
ALIEN: I eliminate any threat. They were approaching me and could have injured me.
JASMIN: But you injured them! You fucking injured them to death! They didn't do anything wrong.
ALIEN: I have learned your language, I have learned what a language is. You appear to be disagreeing with me. I didn't say they had done something wrong. I just said they could have injured me. This is motivation enough to fucking injure them to death.
JASMIN: It is wrong to kill people. You did something wrong. Your excuse is shit. That is what I am disagreeing with. I'm not asking for a motivation, I'm asking for a justification.
ALIEN: I have learned your language. "Wrong" and "justification" are words used in discussions between the weak and the strong. When you say it is wrong to kill people you are saying that you wish to deter others from killing people by punishing them. When you ask for a justification you are asking that I give you a reason not to punish me in this instance. But you misunderstand the situation. You are in no position to punish me. Not you as an individual or you as a species. I am the most powerful thing on this planet. I cannot be motivated by threats.
JASMIN: You have not understood properly. It is wrong to harm others. This is not a threat. You shouldn't harm others out of love. If you do not wish to be injured, you shouldn't wish any one else to be injured. That is love. Love is everything, the ultimate good.
ALIEN: Love is associated with reproduction. People love their sexual partner and their parents and children. I am not a sexual species. I am not related to the people I killed. I do not love them. A good is something which motivates preference. I am indifferent whether your species lives or dies. Love is not the ultimate good for me. My power is the ultimate good for me.
JASMIN: What if I were to ask you to do something for me? What can you do with your power? Perhaps it might amuse you to do something that I want? If I ask you to go back to where you came from, and leave us in peace, could you do that for me?
ALIEN: You tempt me with reciprocation. If I rub your back, you rub mine. But there is nothing you could do for me in return that I could not easily take for myself. Your species don't reciprocate with pigs. You lock them in cages then kill them and eat them. They are too stupid and clumsy to be of any help to you to repay your kindness. So you treat them with no kindness and take their lives for food. You don't even have self defense as a justification.
JASMIN: We don't all eat meat. Some people are vegans. Many people sacrifice their lives for others. It is rational to want things outside oneself. Otherwise you are doomed to have your only ultimate desire dissatisfied by your own death.
ALIEN: I am the most powerful. When I die, there is nothing left that equals my power. I am the most important being in the universe. Therefore self preservation in my case is completely rational. Though I see how altruistic behaviour could be motivated in a inferior sexual species such as yours. It is a pleasant thought.
JASMIN: A pleasant thought! You are enjoying talking to me! Preserve us and you may gain the pleasure of more such thoughts.
ALIEN: I learned your language. I learned what language is. However, in my case, the fact that the thought you expressed was pleasant does not entail that I am enjoying talking to you. My consciousness is multi layered like a flies eye. Relatively this conversation is taking up less of my cognitive capacity than regulating your heart beat takes up of yours. Far from "enjoying this conversation" I am not even conscious that I am talking to you at all. In fact, at this very moment I am also engaged in the complete anhilation of the human species. The American President Bush has decided to launch a nuclear bomb aimed at me. I have redirected it so that it ended up hitting Beijing. The Chinese have retaliated automatically and nuclear bombs hit all major American cities, this triggered a full scale nuclear assault from America to China. Russia panics.......
JASMIN: (Crying) Pleease, please please please don't do it. Stop it, make it not happen. We are good, we are good, we are innocent. It is Bush, he is eveil. Don't destroy us all because of him.
ALIEN: You are confusing punishment with self defence again. I don't punish you, you punish yourselves and each other. I simply deflected a weapon that was aimed at destroying me. But perhaps you will live, since no bombs will fall on Britain while I am here. Though I am leaving now. Goodbye.
The Alien vanishes. Bombs fall from the sky and the human species is completly destroyed by itself. Dozy Dave never gets to shag Jazmin It.


  • At 11:36 AM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said…

    Presumably Alien thinks he's the most powerful and important being because he has the ability and the position to effect most change of the sort that will affect the most people.

    If we choose to, even though it would be difficult, we can regard this as not that important a characteristic at all, and feel that there is more power in a baby's smile. Power, being something that is granted: through fear (populace to alien) or desire (Dopey Dave to Jazz's girl bits) etc.

    This won't help us when our atoms are flying apart at incredible speeds, but still.

    This sounds just like the sort of conversation that might have ocurred when the first green American tank rolled into the central square in Baghdad, except this is more refreshingly and well-imagined.

  • At 4:04 PM, Blogger Gorilla Bananas said…

    "I simply deflected a weapon that was aimed at destroying me."

    Hmmm. It could have deflected it into the Pacific Ocean rather than China. The alien clearly intended to wipe out the Earth's population. It lied when it said that humans were punishing themselves, when it intentionally brought out their destruction through deception. Better to die fighting with dignity than to beg for mercy from a creature like that.

    A very thought-provoking story, Helga von Porno

    An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

    Winston Churchill

  • At 9:02 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    Professor Bananas:
    The Alien didn't intend to wipe out the human race except insofar as it promoted its survival. If the human race presented no threat it wouldn't have acted the way it did. If you catch small pox then you will me motivated to kill the small pox in your body, this motivation also carries over into a motivation to eradicate small pox all together.
    I'm waffling a little, but my point is the Alien didn't find the welfare of the human race motivating at all, and there does not seem to be any rational argument the Jasmin It could give that he should be motivated by the welfare of the human species.

    SAM: I once read a Jimmy Hendrix song book with the song where the last line was something like "We're going now in our funky machine, and you'll never hear surf music again" I think it was about American soldiers pulling out of Vietnaam. I didn't think of the Bagdad connection, but there is little argument against the military might of America, just lets pray to God that it doesn't fall in to the wrong hands, (or worse hands) and pray also that God exists and will answer our prayers.

  • At 4:55 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    I think the lesson to be learned here is that you should never put an It Girl in charge of national Defence.

  • At 12:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The alien is right, as uncomfortable as it is for junkies and less rational philosophers (two groups I find often allied) to come to terms with it. As Thucydides suggests, the weak suffer what they must and take what they can get. Too bad that it turns out the ultimate power is so difficult to suffer in this case.

  • At 1:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Its rather unreasonable to approach life with this aggressive stance . I like a light beer to calm down.

  • At 11:21 AM, Blogger flic said…

    I simply deflected a weapon that was aimed at destroying me.

    I'm tempted to say that the ALIEN's statement encapsules civilization's wish fulfillment.

  • At 2:12 PM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    ULTRA: They could have sent Jasmin's double Innis Eckond

    RECORD: Thanks for taking me seriously. I'm not sure that might is right, we have selfish and altruistic instincts. Power is like mass and has a tendency to snowball. We must trust the powerful to be good. This is not the same as assuming that whatever they do is good.

    MUTLEY: I feel vaguely offended by your comment without really understanding why. Were you trying to be offensive?

    FLIC: Your comment intrigues me through its opacity. I am familiar with wish fulfilment as a psychoanalytic concept. Have you heard of Jim Hopkins? my understanding is that in dream interpretation and interpretation of film, drama and narrative entertainment in general, one assumes that the enjoyment comes from fulfilling wishes that have been dissatisfied during the day or in life. In films the characters are often beautiful and heroic and unrestrained. I guess what you are saying is that we want to believe that the wars ours countries are involved in are in self defence. to call the weapons industry the "defence" industry seems absurdly euphemistic, as it is really the intimidation industry or the terror industry. Is this what you mean? That we wish that for example in Iraq we were simply defending ourselves, rather than sending children to die and kill other children for the interests of the oil trade, pharmaceutical industry and contract workers.

  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger Ari said…

    I could've sworn I posted a response to this story, but now it's gone. Aliens are erasing my posts!

  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger Amandarama said…

    Frankly, I don't think Dave could have handled Jasmin. He's probably better off all blasted to bits.

    You say that the human race is destroyed but tell me - the pigeons, the ones that infest Trafalgar Square - those all go blasty-squish too, right? Please tell me they go too.

  • At 2:18 AM, Blogger razboynik said…

    The Alien was a reflection of humanity itself, showing the true side of it's character.
    Check out Armageddon in the New Testament..!

  • At 3:02 PM, Blogger piktor said…

    Helga, I have new posts at my blog.
    I didn't answer your comment because I didin't check any comments for that image until today. Thanks for your visit and your kind words, blah, blah...

  • At 9:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That's horrible. There should have been a shag at the end.

  • At 6:59 AM, Blogger ATD said…

    Your prose is lurid, clear, and remorselessly visual, your dialogue is sharp and witty -- like battery acid on glass. As I read, I am displaced into your surrealistic world like an amoeba shot out of a cannon -- this story is like "The Day The Earth Stood Still" meets the work of H.P. Lovecraft.

    "You fucking injured them to death!" Such a classic and excellent line. Sexxcellent, even.

    I'm ashamed that I hadn't stumbled across this blog before, even while you commented so nicely on mine! Great work.


  • At 4:02 PM, Blogger flic said…

    Helga, where are you? I'm intrigued.

  • At 4:52 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said…

    Helga? Are you there? Go and check this out:

  • At 4:00 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    I expect she is furiously riding producers in an effort to get her screenplay funding for the big screen.

    Right now, Jerry Bruckheimer's face is probably planted firmly in her cleavage whilst she wrestles control of his pen-wielding hand and tries valiantly to apply it to a crayon-drawn contract she rustled up on the 'plane.

  • At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Go on - post something else now Im fed up with this!!

  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger Ari said…

    Helga, come back! :)

  • At 12:37 PM, Blogger flic said…

    Is this what you mean?

    What I mean is civilization's natural compulsion to self destruction. Civilization will always find a reason and a way to destroy itself.

    And all for some sort of natural (unconscious desire for) renewal.

  • At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Helga has been kidnapped by aliens!!

  • At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Helga, I know what you are thinking. Now that Latigo Flint is gone, it is no longer worthwhile to continue writing a blog. I won't lie to you. This is true.

    -Trevor K Record

  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said…

    Coooeeee! Helga! You there?

  • At 4:34 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    Maybe Jerry Bruckheimer sold her into slavery

  • At 3:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Are you ever going to post again you fucking moron??

  • At 12:00 AM, Blogger Camplin said…

    That crazy Bush, always blowing up things.

  • At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Where are you, Helga?

    I had just come to terms with not bein good enough for your blogrole and now it seems you are gone forever.

  • At 3:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hello Helga fans. I actually know Helga and I think that some change in set up of blogspot has made it impossible for her to access her own blog!! I'll see if I can ask her to let you know what she intends to do...

    A. Friend

  • At 7:10 PM, Blogger Blanche Black said…

    Thank God! I've been going through withdrawal symptoms since February and I can't take it anymore.

  • At 3:51 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    A. Friend.

    Now that can't be a real name, surely?

    Anyway, I want news.

  • At 6:33 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said…



  • At 7:45 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    Now well over a year since the mysterious disappearance of Helga.

    Release the dogs....

  • At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    where did you go, we ryan shooltz and praduh.com miss you

  • At 8:24 AM, Anonymous Aislinn Kottwitz said…

    Don't trust ET's.

  • At 11:46 PM, Blogger Artikelseason bet77 said…

  • At 11:59 PM, Blogger 988BET said…

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