helga von porno

Tales of my fortunes in London involving philosophy time travel heroin addicted granny, prophesy, prostitution, murder, global conspiracy, friends, and personal finances. I am from east germany and fled to england when my parents where murdered and have been living here unofficially since.

Monday, January 15, 2007


In the time of the ancient greeks a Trireme of Philosophers, Poets and Visionaries set forth from Athens to found a perfect republic. They came to an Island in a perpetual fog bank and called it Helgas. There was only one crime in the republic of Helgas: ownership. The philosophers reasoned that ownership adds no value to deeds or goods. If one owns the bread one eats it tastes no better than if one steals it, meat sold nourishes neither more nor less than meat given freely, sex with a free man is a good as sex with a slave, and love between lovers is no dimmer than love between man and wife. Wild nature is as beautiful as a walled field, and the ocean is as wonderful as a private swimming pool.
Free from the tyranny of ownership, the Helgasians thrived. After two hundred years of careful love, the island became a paradise, fruit trees bore fruit all year around, wild animals jumped into the communal pots, hot and cold fountains spouted from beautiful statues in every house.
They had one law enforcer, the most beautiful woman of the island who had to rule through love with the wrath of a Mother, the violent passion of a lover, and the respect of a daughter. At the time of our story the law enforcer was named Erotica.
Erotica sat with her sandaled feet up on her tabla rasa playing with her abacus when a boy came in bearing a message.

SWEET BLOND CURLY HAIRED BOY: "Erotica! There's a man told me to tell that some ownership is going down by the Oak."
EROTICA: "Would that be a handsome rougish man with a great chest and muscle bound stomach?"
BOY: "Yes,"
EROTICA (SMILING): I'm on my way.

In the dappled sunlight under some Oaks where Pigs snuffle and lambs gambol. Erotica is making love to a handsome man on a rope swing. Their atheletic bodies move in perfect harmony and beauty and their faces are filled with beautific passion.

HANDSOME MAN : It's you, Erotica! You own my heart!
EROTICA : No one owns your heart, you are free like the glorious wild animal that you are.


Erotica is looking through the branches of a tree down on to the beach where she sees that a ship[has landed. The merchants from the ship are selling female slaves to shifty looking Helgasian men. She runs down to the beach and charges the sailors with her sword of justice twirling above her in the air. Blood sprays in big arcs as she cuts seven or eight of them to pieces in a skilful and graceful fashion. The others flee into the interior. Erotica frees the slave women.

SLAVES: Thankyou Erotica.
EROTICA: No need to thank me, I do it out of love for you my sisters. No man should own a woman, welcome to Helgas, be free!
SLAVES: Those men from the ships plan to rob the volcano, they've heard that it is stuffed with gold.
EROTICA (ASIDE). They must have heard of the great plug that plugs the vulcano! We use it to heat our water and supply energy for our homes. For technical reasons that I don't need to go into it is made from gold and encrusted with diamonds, but since we have no concept of ownership it is of no special interest to us.


The men from the ship are scrambling up the side of the volcano with Erotica hot on their heels. They see a great silver chain at the lip of the vulcano and start to pull at it with all their might.

EROTICA: Nooooooo! You don't need to take that plug. Come and live in Helgas and live to your full potential. I will love you all and we can live in harmony, you can pry into the depths of nature and into the deepness of your own heart. You can soar like eagles and burrow like ferrets. You can swim like eels and wallow like bottom feeders.
DESPERATE PIRATE ONE: Pah! There are no rules on your island, so I shall do as I please. I will take this plug of Gold and own many pairs of shoes, and lovely tri pods with really intricate paintings on them by famous blind tri pod makers. And I will own shields dipicting the moon and the stars with blue enamel as the sky and very clever etching work on the sun so that it is quite quite realistic. Can you with your love and freedom and beauty match such riches? I don't think so.
DESPERATE PIRATE TWO: Pah! When we get this plug up, I'm going to buy the house belonging to my brother in law, and it is just a five minute walk from the Parthenon, and lots of fashionable sophists live in that area. And I'm going to buy one of the latest chariots with horses from arabia that can run as fast as the horse belonging to Jonsibiadas who lives in one of the better districts and own three salt mines. Can you hope to compare such magnificence with silly old namby pamby self fulfilment, happiness and wisdom? I don't think so.
DESPERATE PIRATE THREE: I am hoping to use the money to start up a syndicate that lends money to enterprises involving trade with Eygypt. Spices, papyrus, that sort of thing. I was hoping to grow from there and expand into salt and olive oil. I just need an initial start up fund. How can you compare such an oportunity with your meagre offer of a healthy joyful life among a happy community of natural human beings? Pah!

EROTICA: You fools! You blind miserable fools. I will cut off your tails!

Erotica cuts the head of the third pirate while the other two draw their swords. There is a barave and wonderful battle, with Erotica looking absolutely amazing. Meanwhile the camera pans around and there are several more pirates down in the mouth of the volcano tugging and yanking away at the plug chain. The great beautiful golden diamond encrusted plug lifts slightly at one edge and bubbling red hot lava gushes out until eventually the plug is shot thousands of feet into the air by a great gush of hell fire from the centre of the fucking world. Poor Erotica and the pirates are engulphed in the liquid flame that comes pouring down the sides of the mountian. Everywhere the beautiful men women and children of Helgas a running screaming away from great waves of molten fire that consumes everything, all the beautiful free edifices and artifices of the worlds only perfect republic. The Camera moves a long way off and you see the island as a whole tilt to one side and sink down and down into the waves. Eventually all that is left is a froth of bubbles like a sauce pan of poaching eggs.
Years later an abacus washed a shore on the banks of the Nile. The only reckoning of the beautiful paradise, the garden of Eden, the perfect republic that was destroyed by the possessiveness of men.


  • At 8:40 PM, Blogger Ari said…

    On the one hand, I, like wild mustangs running free, wish never to be possessed. On the other, people defile that which is free. That's my wine-fueled conundrum for the evening.

  • At 12:10 AM, Blogger Gorilla Bananas said…

    It's a pretty story, but Ari is right. Females who give it away free are never respected in the morning. All the same, Erotica could have distracted those pirates by offering to let them grope her tits for no charge.

  • At 1:57 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    People who consider ownership to be a necessary condition of value will under value things that are given freely. Hence people in our depraved society undervalue the love of their parents. Parental love is given freely and is perhaps the most valuable thing in the world. If sex is a gift from a woman to a man, it is unsuprising therefore that free loving women are consider to be cheap slags whereas women who charge a lot for their company are considered to be classy and aristocratic wives. Men who sleep around on the other hand are seen to be successful and enviable, they have cleverly negotiated a better deal for themselves. How sick is that? What kind of society is it where giving is despised and greedy taking is honoured? I say fuck the poor and let the rich fuck themselves in the mirror wearing all their fetishes of honour in this the final age of Mammon, this over ripe fruit of self fulfilling obesity and empty pride.

  • At 7:12 AM, Anonymous zura said…

    Hear, hear.

  • At 1:13 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said…

    What about jealousy though? All the free love is bound to lead to jealousy because jealousy is (nearly) as old as love. Jealousy is as much a part of the human condition as the desire for harmony and equality and abundance for all.

    Even though we're born free on Helgas we are forever in chains of our own making: suspicion, jealousy, selfishness and all that too, too human stuff - more animal than human perhaps, but still too insistent a collection of failings to be ignored. You can't legislate all the baseness out of human beings, even with the promise of bounty for all.

    And a good thing too, because humans both create and are attracted to that which will make things more interesting. We are natural experimenters and utopia is no place for that. Dystpia is a far more interesting place and, arguably, freer.

    I am in love with you, you know, even though you are a girl.

  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said…

    Having said that, the idea of an island of free love sounds like a delicious experiment. You can sign me up for that. Nanas will be going too, I hope?

  • At 3:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Still - can you lend us a tenner till tommorrow?

  • At 6:37 AM, Blogger Gorilla Bananas said…

    I'll be there if you are, Sam honey.

    Frau von Porno, you are right about free things being undervalued, but you have neglected the problem of scarcity. Making scarce things free is a recipe for disaster, according to the late Milton Friedman, who never once paid for sex during his long and productive life.

    P.S. Isn't Mutley a wag!

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger Ari said…

    Your every use of the word "slag" fills me with anglophilic glee, Helga. :)

  • At 1:46 PM, Blogger Ari said…

    Also, your essay on free loving women expounds truth against which I have bloodied my head many a time.

  • At 12:16 PM, Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said…

    I've just found a book that might interest you. It’s called The Cleft and it’s by Doris Lessing. Here is a review of it: http://www.theage.com.au/news/book-reviews/the-cleft/2007/01/19/1169095962347.html.

    It's a fable about a time before, and right after, the sexes first met.

  • At 1:45 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    Hmm. This was most interesting.

    I wonder whether one could substitute Ownership for Morality in this wonderfully crafted tale, for Morality is just perceived Ownership of a pre-determined, preferable dictum of social conduc - making one believe they possess something another does not - a degree of civility that perhaps makes them better somehow. A symbol of some superiority of the less moral individual.

    But I am rambling.

    Do not let Tom Cruise read this.

    He will want to buy the rights to it, then rewrite your heroine as a male lead, casting himself as 'Erotic'.

  • At 2:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    An inspiring story. A bit sad though. I quite like pirates and i secretly wanted them to win, after all they probably had a terribly hard life on that ship, compared to lady muck who spent all her time swanning around being gorgeous and communing with nature like some sort of fucking cadbury's flake advert.

    Did she have a gypsy caravan?

  • At 3:38 PM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    Thanks Zura,

    Sam, I am so thrilled that you love me unconditional on what my gender is. Yours is the purest of love and the aspiration of us all, for that I love you.

    Mutley, I will give you a tenner. No need to pay it back, ever! get your doggy head round that bone.

    GB. The point is that things have value independently of ownership. Rare things will always be of great value, even if they are free.

    Thanks Ari, you are always very supportive. Not sure what you mean by banging your head against truth, but it is sure to be complimentary.

    SAM I heard a review of that on channel 4 and it was slagged off by a feminist.

    Asym42; I admire your cleverness and brilliant use of swearing. The pirates couldn't win though, that's the point, but nor could lady muck.

  • At 1:45 AM, Blogger flic said…

    I like the image of the island tilting down sinking into the water like a ship. Was the island therefore an alien/man-made construct (i.e., a microscopic experiment to be focused on)?

    I also liked Erotica's (ASIDE) "...For technical reasons that I don't need to go into..."

  • At 1:48 AM, Blogger flic said…

    I like the image of the island tilting down sinking into the water like a ship. Was the island therefore an alien/man-made construct (i.e., a microscopic experiment to be focused on)?

    I also liked Erotica's (ASIDE) "...For technical reasons that I don't need to go into..."

  • At 1:48 AM, Blogger flic said…

    I like the image of the island tilting down sinking into the water like a ship. Was the island therefore an alien/man-made construct (i.e., a microscopic experiment to be focused on)?

    I also liked Erotica's (ASIDE) "...For technical reasons that I don't need to go into..."

  • At 4:07 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard said…

    Well, I must admit, I am very impressed, that was a great story!

  • At 1:42 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    flic and Zen, what lovely comments, thanks.

  • At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have a hard time believing this place was started by Athenians. Sounds more like sparta removed of its oligarchy and (I hope) pedophilia.

  • At 2:26 AM, Blogger razboynik said…

    That reminds me of a cartoon that I watched many years ago. The planet was made of cheese and the only inhabitants were mice. They burrowed and ate the cheese until there was virtually nothing left. The planet collapsed and the mice died.
    Ring any bells ????


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