helga von porno

Tales of my fortunes in London involving philosophy time travel heroin addicted granny, prophesy, prostitution, murder, global conspiracy, friends, and personal finances. I am from east germany and fled to england when my parents where murdered and have been living here unofficially since.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Frieda Fitch: WunderKop.

A Screenplay by Helga von Porno. Inspired by Ultratoshymoshywallah.

In a small village nestled among the woods outside Ingolstadt in Bavaria Inspecktor Freida Fitch sat behind her desk twiddling with a rubics cube. The phone wrang.
VOICE: "Is that you Fitch? It's me, Gunter. I think we have a case. Meet me at gate into the woods outside the village disguised as a slag in fifteen minutes and I'll give you further instructions."
FRIEDA: "Ja voll Gunter."
Frieda smiled. Gunter and her had a thing going on. It helped while away the empty proffession of village detective in the most law abiding village in the law abiding region of Bavaria.
Fifteen minutes later Gunter slide up Friedas mini skirt and pulled off her knickers. He pushed her up against a tree and she wrapped her legs around his hips.
FRIEDA: "Ach! Gunter! Ach! Aaargh! What are the instructions, what are the instructions."
For all his rough charm, Gunter was always short lived so Frieda wasn't suprised when his teeth clenched and his eyes opened wide after less than a minute. She was more suprised when he collapsed to the forest floor, bringing her down with him, a widening stain of blood on the back of his sequined Elvis shirt.
BEARDED WOODMAN WITH BIG BLOODY KNIFE: "Now it's your turn, slag kop! But not before I've finished what Mr Dead here started."
FRIEDA: "Oh no you don't! Take that!"
With her special training, Frieda sprang up and grabbed the Woodman's Beard and bit his tongue out whilst kneeing him in the bollocks. The woodman grabbed her waist and flung him far from her. Then he ran, bloody mouthed toward the village.

SCENE 3. Inside the Cab of a great big lorry full of explosives to be used for perfectly legitimate mining purposes.
FRITZ: Hey, Hans, look at all those pretty happy children playing so beautifully in that school playground situated on that bend in the road.
HANS. Yes, the look so happy and innocent.
FRITZ: Watch out. There is a bearded man with all blood coming out of his mouth running down the road.
The lorry skids, slides off the road and smashes into the playground where it explodes destroying the whole school. Little bits of children fly everywhere like a macabre snow of the wrong bit of Santas jacket.

Frieda, looking deshevelled and sexy in her slag disguise enters the village hostillry where she finds all the men of the village drinking. They all have beards. She twiddles with her rubics cube.

FRIEDA: Which one of you Bastards stabbed my partner in the back.
The men all look down at their feet.
LANDLORD: "Frieda, sweetheart, you are the last to know. Gunter was swinging both ways like a weather cock in a storm. We have all of us stabbed him in the back as you put it.

A mad frenzy grips Frieda and she grabs a Stein Glass and one by one kills everyman in the house. Just as she is smashing the last old man's teeth in a hand comes up from behing her and stabs her in the back.

Bearded Wooodman: Harr harr harr! Wunderbar! Gurgle spit. (mouth still full of tongue blood).
Frieda: "Ha! You didn't notice my special issue stab proof slag braz. I am completely unharmed.
Frieda bashes the bearded woodman to death and he joins the pile of bearded corpses.

FRIEDA. Another case solved.

Just then all the women enter the house screaming with fury. They see their men dead, like their children and rush at Frieda. They have incidently been practicing for the cabaret so they are all dressed in stockings and suspenders. In the confusion they all tear each other apart including Frieda. Only one woman is left standing, but just then an Anvil that was suspended from the ceiling decoratively falls down and smites her dead.
A plastic bag blows throught this village of death where not one person remains alive.



  • At 3:12 PM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 3:19 PM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    Question: In the mysteriously absent Scene 2, does a busload of Nuns and Puppies accidentally catch fire, perhaps as the result of a flaming stunt-cyclist crashing through the windows of said public transport vehicle after a critical mistake in the take-off trajectory of his/her motorcycle? A mistake caused by seeing the disturbingly arousing copulation scene in err.. scene one?

  • At 8:41 PM, Blogger Ari said…

    I am too American to write this well.

  • At 7:01 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    Could be Ultra, could be...

    Ari was gibst? You are surely displaying the famous politness and good manners of the American. My screenplay was riddled with errors and lacked subtlety. However I will endeavour to improve with your encouragement.

  • At 8:33 AM, Blogger piktor said…

    helga, the anvil and plastic bag are stunning.

  • At 8:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    So who did it?

  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    Jesus did. Probably.

  • At 11:42 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said…

    Wow. Pictor just recommended your blog to me. I see why. Thanks for your visit. You're a great writer.

  • At 11:43 AM, Blogger Enemy of the Republic said…

    Ooops. Piktor!

  • At 8:42 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    Thanks piktor, I love your piks. are you just proving you read to the end?

    Hello Mr Underhill, bavaria is catholic, so they all did it, sometime before they were born.

    Thanks very much Ms Enemy of the rep[ublic. Which republic incidently?


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