helga von porno

Tales of my fortunes in London involving philosophy time travel heroin addicted granny, prophesy, prostitution, murder, global conspiracy, friends, and personal finances. I am from east germany and fled to england when my parents where murdered and have been living here unofficially since.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Episode Two: Francoise Lafollie

Francoise Lafollie. A Screenplay by Helga Von Porno. From a format inspired by Ultra Mahareshi Taj Mahal Ubank God.

Francoise Lafollie is sitting behind her desk in a Paris cop shop. She has a Platinum blond Afro that looks like a wig and a yellow satin mini dress. Her feet are on the desk and she is wearing roller skates. She is whittling a Voodoo doll with a flick knife. The phone rings.

Lafollie: Oui?.....Mmm hmm.........Oh la la....... Pigalle?.......... Texan terroist plot?......D'accord.

Parisian Streets. Francoise is roller skating very fast through the busy back streets of the prostitute area Pigalle. She is smoking a gulloise. She turns into an empty side street. Empty that is but for one handsome man with a five o'clock shadow.

Handsome man: Hey, beautiful girl, want some action.

Lafollie: Okay, big boy, this one is for free.

Lafollie unzips the man's jeans and takes out his oily gallic cock. He smiles. She flicks open her knife and puts it to his ball sack.

Lafollie: One false move from you and you be singing with the vienna boys. Sing true or sing falsetto. What do you know about the Texan terroists?

Man. Martigue.... Petit village....Boulongerie...

Lafollie puts her blade away and steps back. The man slaps her around the face. She pouts and stabs him in the heart. He dies.


On the Paris to Marseille train, the fastest train in europe. Francoise Lafollie has her head out of the window and her mouth open wide, the 200mph wind sandblasting her teeth and proving that against probability her platinum blond afro is not a wig. She is just reaching orgasm. A handsome man in a naval uniform that she has know for less than twenty minutes is making love to her with great finesse inside the carriage.

Lafollie: Oui, oui, Oh la la, Oh la la, Oui OUI OUI!

Sailor: eurgh, eeeeurgh, occhchkch.

Lafollie turns back into the carriage to compliment the sailor stranger on his prowess and love making skill only to find that he has been garrotted by a large chinned man in a stetson who takes off down the corridor. Francoise steps over her dead lover and roller skates down the corrider after the Texan. she catches him in the drivers carriage.

Texan: Well, I do declare, how d'yer like, Now what is going on?

Lafollie: You are a dangerous terroist, no? Where are your bomb?

Texan: Why I oughter... Well how d'yer like that. Here! Here's my bomb.

The texan terroist takes out a round black bomb from his chaps pocket. Francoise punches him hard in the face and he falls back on the driver. Francoise opens the door to the train and jumps onto the road, landing in down hill skate pose at 200 miles per hour (perhaps use a stunt woman for this bit). She looks back to see the front carriage explode derailing the whole train that whips round like a snake and concetinas crushing all the passenger into a savoury preserve.
Francoise has by chance landed on the road to Martigue, a little town outside Marseille.
She come across a little girl. she grabs her by the lapels of her cute little school uniform and starts slapping her around the face.

Lafollie: "Ou est la boulongerie? Ou est la boloungerie? Parle! Parle! Parle!"
Little girl, in tears, very frightened pointing to the boloungerie. "La bas!"

SCENE FOUR In the Boloungerie.

Lafollie. Je Voudrais un baggette at une pain au chocolate sil vous plait monsieur.
Baker lady: Voila Madame. Merci Au revoir.
Lafollie: Merci, Au revoir.


Francoise roller skates around the little town eating her baggette looking very beautiful and coquettish. She passes fountains and old men in beres playing boule and winks and giggles at handsome onion sellers in breton shirts, she rollers through cobble streets and pretty squares and bridges. There is the soundtrack of tango music played on a squeeze box. This scene goes on for about forty minutes.

Francoise: Merde! I forgot all about the Texan terroists. I didn't go to the boloungerie to buy bagette, but to foil terrible Texan terroism plot to destroy French Egalite and Fraternete. I must go back.

SCENE SIX. In boulongerie. Francoise is talking to the baker lady.

Francoise: So I am actually a police trying to save France from Texan Terroists.
Lady: Mais non! You are too sexy to be a police.
Francoise: Hah, yes, I love sex. I am a registered sex addict. When I told the chief he was very happy. Until I told him that I am only addicted to sex with handsome men, not fat pigs like him!
Francoise and Lady in unison: Hoh hee hoh hee hoh!
Lady: The Texan terroists are in the back room there. Bon chance Francoise!

SCENE SEVEN. In Back room of the boloungerie.
There are three men in Stetsons polishing a great big nuclear bomb. Francoise is whittling a voodoo doll with her flick knife.
Texan Tim: Waeel Haello pretty lil lady, what can we do for you?
Francoise: Put on these hand cuffs.
Texan Pete: aren't yew a hot little sinning fornicator.
Francoise: You don't understand, I am putting you under arrest. Anything you say I will take down.
Texan Tarquin: Panties!
Texans in unison. Hurr hurr hurr hurr

Francoise does a backward high kick and brains Tarquin with her Roller skates, righting herself quickly she stabs Pete in the throat and elbows Tim in the solar plexus. Tim bends double giving her time to knee him in the face and stab him in the back of the kneck.

Francoise: Voila, another case solved!

Francoise glides back into the boloungerie through one of those many coloured partition ribonny things looking really sexy. Meanwhile, Tarquin regains consciousness and goes over to the bomb and joins two wires together. There is an enormous nuclear explosion that wipes out all life for miles around. Including the beautiful Lafollie. The camera pans across the destroyed town and comes to rest on a silhoette against a wall of a girl in a mini dress, rollerskates and Afro in mid leap. A bit of platinum hair and yellow silk blows in the wind catching a sunbeam.


  • At 11:41 AM, Blogger flic said…

    Stopping in to say hello. This reminds me that there's a real-life Texas embassy in London.

  • At 5:29 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    Herr Flic! Very honoured that you condescended to make a comment here. I looked up your blog and ask you most politely to read a trilogy of previous posts on this blog "the real psychologists" "The Bromley Set" and "Research assistant post". I think you will find the content of these posts "knawing at your ipseity" to borrow a phrase from a lovely French friend.

  • At 12:24 PM, Blogger flic said…

    And I think you'll like my reply to your comment over on my recent post.

    P.S. I hope my first comment here didn't sound smart-ass or something. Because there really is a Texas embassy in London. Seriously.

    I'll look into those posts you mention. And you might be pleasantly surprised if you would be so kind and poke around in some old posts of mine.

  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    I am approaching Tesco's to produce this as a screenplay. They could really get a large slice of the Delicatessen market if you agree to place the brands in a prominent, yet integral fashion.

    An Old man should choke on a baguette in scene Five.

    Your Heroine makes Ripley look like Fern Britton.

  • At 4:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't buy it. If they were texan, why didn't they say "GET OFFA MY LAND!"? or accuse anyone of being after their land???

  • At 4:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't buy it. If they were texan, why didn't they say "GET OFFA MY LAND!"? or accuse anyone of being after their land???

  • At 8:28 PM, Blogger Ari said…

    "Francoise: You don't understand, I am putting you under arrest. Anything you say I will take down.

    Texan Tarquin: Panties!"

    This was quite authentic.

    While I was reading this, Yaz's "Situation" came on the radio and it was a rather appropriate soundtrack. Can't wait for Episode III!

  • At 2:34 AM, Blogger Helga von porno said…

    Great news Ultra, perhaps get the other supermarkets to compete in a bidding war, and just when one moron is prepared to offer us a billion pound deal, I will sack you as manager because I am fucking insane and dissappear into the sewers armed with a rolling pin.

    Not all Texan's are farmers sweet Underhill. Some of them are serious freedom fighters. This I mean literally since they usual fight against freedom and for slavery and other Texan interests.

    Hello Ari, unfortunately for me, I don't know Taz or his/their/her/its situation, so the bulk your comment was lost on me. Thanks for the encouragement though. Quick trailer: Ship of Philosophers colonize an island in ancient greece and set up a perfect republic where there is one law enforcer, a beautiful powerful woman. She has her sandeled feet up on the tabla rasa and is twiddling with an abacus when a messenger boy comes in......

  • At 7:18 PM, Blogger Amandarama said…

    I want to party with Francoise.


  • At 11:16 AM, Blogger Zen Wizard said…


    What exactly is the MOTIVATION of the Texas terrorists, or do they NEED ONE, in your surrealistic universe??

  • At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Helgavonporno said…

    Amandabananaramamalangadingdong: Party with lafollie you may but for to reason's
    1. She is dead
    2. She is fictional

    The screen play is a fictional format so some propositions are left undecided. However, the "texan's" represent the forces of evil in general that is threatening the French way of life, which is Liberty, brotherhood and equality, plus a culture of gastronaomy. Texan's represent aggressive anglosaxon marketing that is destroying red wine and French food, the oil industry that is destroying the world and brotherhood, rampant free market economics that is destroying equality, and President Bush who is destroying Freedom with his war on terror.

  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    That sounds like a film in itself.

    I'll get onto Rober Dyas.

    Maybe they can provide us with the aforementioned Pin.

  • At 5:05 PM, Blogger Ari said…

    Ooo! Tantalizing trailer!!

  • At 12:52 AM, Anonymous helgavonporno said…

    My ignorance assails me, who is this mischievous rober dyas? A welsh thief?

  • At 3:27 AM, Blogger Gorilla Bananas said…

    This is high art, Frau von Porno, and you are the queen of your sex. My only quibble is that none of the Texans said "Yee Har!", preferably while riding the bomb to its destination. Otherwise, I kiss your feet with tender ape lips. We will definitely perform this work in the safari camp.

  • At 1:33 AM, Blogger Ultra Toast Mosha God said…

    Yes. A lucrative Welsh Thief at that.


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