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Tales of my fortunes in London involving philosophy time travel heroin addicted granny, prophesy, prostitution, murder, global conspiracy, friends, and personal finances. I am from east germany and fled to england when my parents where murdered and have been living here unofficially since.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Hollow

We, the new psychologists, found a sympathetic group of philosophers in Scotland. No psychology or psychiatry department would accept dualism or the existence of disembodied spirits, dogmatic fools.
Clarke has been imprisoned for corrupting the youth so we are on our own now. Cuthbert, Herbert, Damian, Alexander and I went up to Scotland to demonstrate the thought amplifier to the dualists there. We need LSD and therefore needed to deal with street people. The others, who constantly joke that I am a Chav, damn their priveledged eyes, allowed me to negotiate the purchase of a bottle of LSD.
The supplier found his role romantic and had romanticised his persona. He thought of himself as a kind of Rob Roy and wore a three cornered hat and a bearskin coat. Spotting Cuthbert's outrageous accent as soon as he walked in the pub he called us collectively "Sassenachs" saying that he hated us.
"I hate the English too, " I smouldered, "They've beaten my country in two world wars, flattening cities and killing innocent women and children. If it wasn't for those pesky English bastards, europe would be German now, and free from genetic illness and degenerates. So we are on the same side, brother Scot."
I could see Rabbie (the acid dealers name) was wrong footed. On one hand he was wanting to impress me for sexual reasons, but on the other hand, he wanted to distance himself from geneticide.
The romantic fool had us meet in the middle of Loch Lomond. O the romance of the freezing cold dampness. Everything was black, the water, the sky, the creaky rowing boat. I sat with my hands in my armpits looking out into the silvered blackness. Cuthbert rowed, and the others whined.
Rabbie emmerged out of the blackness underlit with one foot on the prow. The poser, he looked most impressive. He did a windmill pirrouette and passed the little glass bottle over. Damian threw him a leather wallet containing £4 000 and he snapped out the torch and vanished. I blessed his theatrics, the twat.
We rowed toward shore for about half an hour when we heard shouting from our broadside. Then shooting. We were under attack. The new psychologists grovelled and wept in the bilge. I stood tall.
Bullets hit my body and bounced off, making a pinging tin sound, like a dust bin round pound. A bullet hit my cheek and I felt nothing. No tear, fear hair tare hare ta ra ta ta.
The boat started sinking, the brats wailing, the bullets out of blackness assailing, failing to stop misstress metallic (me).
The ship was sank but I stood tall, head below the waves, feet dancing on fishes graves, and those snivelling chav dispisers clung to me, and I dragged them along with my strength, bullets bouncing off me. They clung to my arms, they clung to my legs and I dragged them out of there, under fire, riptide tugging me under, like Moby Dick dragging harpoon boats. I emmerged head first like being born, like a sea monster with five manly limbs swaying in the current, Cuthbert bleeding from a bullet wound. I strode on unstoppable like a low geared machine. Like a vice.
I dragged them up the weedy beach and they lay panting, shaking weeping ingrates. I strode on mechanical, straight as a crow, up the bank, middle of the road. To the hotel.
In my room I looked in the mirror above the sink. I itched the side of my head and felt a hinge. I felt the other side and there was a clasp below my ear, another below my armpit, and another on my hip.
I undid the clasps and my body and face swung open. I was hollow. I am made of metal, and am hollow. There is nothing inside. Bullets can't penetrate into that emptiness within. And nor can you. I am hollow. I am filled with nothing. There is nothing inside. And nothing is sacred. I am hollow. Iron clad emptiness.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

A brief history of the Chav

One thing I like about the English is they don’t have a disparaging contemptuous word for the poor and the working class. Scottish have “Scheemy” Irish have “Tinker” Americans have hundred of words, many racist, “Mexican” “Nigger” “White trash” (the implication of this last is that if you are not white, then you are trash by definition). The English on the other hand have always had a great admiration for the working class and a great compassion for the poor. But sadly this has recently changed. The middle classes and the media have a new word “chav”. Middle class English excitedly explain to American aquaintances that chav means white trash, and that, as well burgers and blockbuster movies, the English have adopted the American contempt for the poor.
So to mourn the passing of this great English trait, I am writing a history of the Chav.

12th Century
Under the tyrannous reign of King John, many Chavs unable to earn an honest wage because of excessive taxes took to banditry in the woods. The most famous of these was Robin Chav, whose slogan was “Rob from the rich and give to the poor”.
16th Century Elisabeth 1st commissioned ship loads of Chavs to rob the Spanish. She knighted Francis Chav, one of the better captains. A Chav playwright William Shakespeare wrote the best plays ever written.
17 Century
Perhaps the century of the Chav. For a brief period England had a Chav ruler, Oliver Cromwell and his model army of Chavs. For the first time in history, the world got a taste of Chav soldiery. It was around this time that many Chavs learned to read.
18 Century.
A chav named Nelson worked his way up the ranks in the British Navy and dominated the seven seas making Britain the greatest sea power in the world.
19 Century
The Tolpuddle Chavs were deported for forming a trade union. London welcomes Karl Marx, the middleclass German Chav spokesman. The English Chavs think him too extreme. Chav children are sent down mines to work for 14 hours a day for a pittance. Chavs exert political influence on parliament to ban child labour. Slavery is banned from the British Empire.
20 Century.
Chavs are sent to war against the Germans and die in millions for the bosses. When they return victorious, the bosses cut their pay and make many redundant. They try and organise a general strike, and Winston Churchill, arch enemy of chavs, arms the police to quell them. Chavs finally are allowed to vote.
1940s
The next generation of Chavs are sent to war again. Winston Churchill allows chavs to get bombed in Coventry and London and Liverpool for tactical advantage. In return, Churchill bombs German Chavettes and baby chavs. A gay chav genius invents the computer, but is driven to suicide by homophobic harassment from the middle classes.
1950s.
Wave of immigration of black people. Chavs welcome black people, sharing their music and working side by side. Middle classes keep black people out of their jobs and residential areas. Chavs in port towns like Liverpool and London embrace rock’n’roll and adopt west Indian and American music influences.
1960s
Chavs invent their own music with black influences. The chav band “the beatles” write the best pop music in the world. Chavs try and over throw old middleclass world order and create a freer more tolerant society. Chavistic principles include peace, love and freedom.
1970s
Chavs become negative, chavs are by now well educated since they have been granted free education. Chavs begin to experiment with drugs. The chav band “the sex pistols” are more aggressively assertive about chav rights than ever before.
1980s
Chavs discover ecstacy and Chicago dance music. Also heroine becomes epidemic as many chavs live in substandard housing.
1990s
Chavs lose right to free education. Chavs take to streets in mass demonstrations over the chav tax, and over cars and global capitalism. Chavs try and influence markets by selective shopping. New laws prohibit chavs from assembling.
21st century.
Demonstrations increase and become global. Looks like chavs might finally rule the world. Then twin towers are hit by aeroplanes and everything changes. The bosses fight back with new police powers. In Britain chavs can be arrested without charge, or for “anti social behaviour”. Chavs are denied access to further education. The term Chav is coined and the press constantly use it as a disparaging term.