helga von porno

Tales of my fortunes in London involving philosophy time travel heroin addicted granny, prophesy, prostitution, murder, global conspiracy, friends, and personal finances. I am from east germany and fled to england when my parents where murdered and have been living here unofficially since.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Poor Helga

Being unused to wealth, I failed to realise that it was finite. Consequently I have spent the vast fortune I won at the Philosophers Casino and am poor. Other than some ridiculous gambles, some fanciful evenings and a few hairaising flights in a bi plane with Von Himmel, I spent most of my fortune on largesse to the homeless of London. When I was living in a squat and spending all my wages on heroine for granny, I used to shrug my shoulders and smile at beggars. "Sorry, I too am living in poverty" I would say, and we would smile at each other sadly and sisterly.
But dressed in outfits made by artists with backsplash on my face from champagne target practice, I felt a change in attitude was in order.

I was coming back from a weeks safari in the darkest congo when a bearded young man told me he was hungry and homeless and could I help him in anyway.
"Yes, I can!" I said, and got my finance manager to buy the man a house in Mayfair and commissioned a chef to cook for him. The bearded man thanked me profusely and attempted to kiss my hand, but I pushed him away declaring that true generosity needs no recognition.

A week later my finance manager informed me that my credit was no longer good and now I'm back to square one.

It's strange how certain friends vanish with your money. Still, it is summer and the parks are dry and the nights are warm.

Monday, June 12, 2006


Don Rodrigez road through the narrow mountain path in the June evening into Trevelas in the Sierra Nevada. In the village square he spied Pornorita and fell in love. Her Husbund, Lacos, was by her side. Rodrigez addressed Pornorita. "I will challenge your husband to a dual to the death with you as a prize if you assent. If he accepts I will kill him and take you for my own and you shall be the queen of my not inconsiderable kingdom. If he refuses, then he will live in shame forever more and I shall take you anyway. Do you accept my suite?"
"If you kill my husband, I will cut my throat." Said Pornorita and wiped the drool from her not inconsiderable breast.
"I however will accept the challenge," said brave poor Lacos, a scrawny illfed peasant, "on one condition.You must provide me with a horse and armour to match your own. When you have found the armour and horse, I will choose between your own armour, and that which you have made for me, so that I can be assured that they are equal."
"It shall be." Quoth Don Rodrigez
"And if I best you you must give me your kingdom." Said Lacos with a dry mouth.
Don Rodrigez laughed a deep and hearty laugh. "If you best Rodrigez, the mightiest warrior in all ofHiberia, then Leon is yours." He joked and repaired to the Tavern to rest.
Six days passed and Rodrigez set the dual for the seventh morning when the church bell struck seven times.
That night Pornorita perfumed her sleek black hair and bathed her creamy skin in goats milk and roses. She donned her most alluring robe and visited the tavern where Rodrigez was housed. She snuck into his chamber and woke him by stroking his chest.
"Rodrigez, take me now, so that I can see what I can expect after you have killed my husband." Rodrigez made love to Pornorita with a passion born of madness.
As he lay beside her, Pornorita said to him,"That was quite good. But Lacos makes love to me fourteen times a night, and on the fourteenth time I am sent into an ecstacy that I cannot live without."
Rodrigez was amused and aroused, for Pornorita was the most beautiful woman in all of Spain, and there were a great many beautiful women in Spain at that time.
"You must make love to me like we are dancing and support my weight with your hand as you stand."
Rodrigez was not used to being instructed by a woman, but his pride seemed to be at stake. He made love to her standing up, with her whole weight in his right hand.
"That was so so. This time you must try harder." Panted the beautiful Pornorita, "Lacos is far better at that position."
Furious, Rodrigez made love to her again and again, until the sky turned from black to blue.
He lay there shattered and aching, wanting nothing more than this wretched demanding woman to leave him alone.
"Come, Rodrigez. You have only made love to me twelve times, surely the greatest knight in Hiberia is not a failure in the sack!"
In a fug of exhaustion, Rodrigez managed to make love to Pornorita once more.
"Now you must finally send me into the ecstacy I have been waiting for. Perhaps you need strong wine to revive you, for the fourteenth position requires great strength." Rodrigez gratefully drank a jug of strong wine, and with the last of his strength made love to Pornorita for the fourteenth time in a most unusual way.
"That wasn't very good." Said Pornorita, pouting."Lacos is much better than that, I hope he kills you today." And she strode out of the room like a fury that hell knows not.

As she slammed the door, the bell struck seven times.

Drunk and exhausted, Rodrigez made for the village square. "Here is your armour, made to fit your body like a second skin by the little folk of Cornwall.
And this sword was made by Moorish wizards and was made especially for your hand and eye. The lance is strong and true and made of living wood.
And this horse was Fathered by the Prince of all Arabia, winner of every known race, and Mothered by a spark that fell from a star."
Lacos stood arms folded and wry, "I choose your horse and armour, you have mine."
Rodrigez spluttered indignantly, but was too tired to argue. "I need my horse and armour, it is mine, it is like an extension of myself. And I don't want your wife any longer. Let us call of this stupid fight and embrace like brothers."
"Don Rodrigez a coward?" Sneered Lacos, and the villagers around about laughed and threw stones.
"Enough, let it be done. I will have your armour and you will have mine.
Meet back here when the clock strikes nine."
Rodrigez was twice the size of Lacos, and the armour made for Lacos wouldn't fit. The helmet sat on top of his head and kept slipping into his eyes. The vest cut into his skin and stopped the flow of blood into his arms. And the sword rejected his grip with black magic art. He got on to the whippy horse, who bucked like a devil and threw him twice before he mastered the saddle.
The horse galloped around the village out of control with Rodrigez in his tiny armour bouncing atop. The children of the village laughed and jeered.
There was a blackness around the edges of the Don's eyes, both inside and out.
He came to a halt in the square face to face with his own horse and armour. The church bell wrang out nine times. Don Rodrigez, unsure if he was in a dream, charged his own horse and image and drove his lance into his own breast. The suit of armour came apart. There was no one inside.
Lacos leaped from the roof top where he had been hiding and knocked Rodrigez of his horse. He hit him with a rock in the face and took his sword and held it to his throat.
"Yield!" Says Lacos.
Rodrigez groaned and said: "This is ridiculous. I don't want your wretched wife any more, I don't want to fight you, I just want to go to bed. By myself."
"Your days as a proud and bullying Knight are done. Leon is mine and yours is the plough."
And from that day forth Lacos and Pornorita lived as King and Queen of Leon in great splendor and happiness and had many descendents one of which I am.
Rodrigez went on to become the Famous Knight known as El Cid. Lacos and Pornorita had taught him the lesson of humility that made him into a truly great knight.