helga von porno

Tales of my fortunes in London involving philosophy time travel heroin addicted granny, prophesy, prostitution, murder, global conspiracy, friends, and personal finances. I am from east germany and fled to england when my parents where murdered and have been living here unofficially since.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

the melancholy of unwanted christmas gifts

Before my parents were murdered, I used to get a special kind of melancholy every year after Christmas. My Mother would buy me some useless and expensive gifts and my Father would scold her cruelly for wasting money. I would feel hurt on my Mothers behalf and want desperately to prove that the present was a good, wanted one and not a waste of money. I deeply needed the affection that the gifts represented, and therefore would try hard to want the gifts themselves. So I would spend the weeks following Christmas trying hard to love these inanimate pale elephants, and it is a deep sadness to love a useless thing, or to try, but fail, to love a useless thing.
I recieved such a gift this Christmas from the flop haired fop. I cataurwailed drunk outside his West end flat, drunk on vodka at three in the morning. Instead of despising me and sending me away as I suspected, he took me in and fucked me as tenderly as pork loin. What a gentleman! And then on Christmas eve he gave me expensive tickets to see a Russian Ballet, The ticket cost £75. Und Ich? I gave him Nichts. I looked down at the ticket in my hand and my eyes welled up with tears, and behind the tears, rage. It was a work night, the night of the ballet. But I would only earn £30 and it would seem mean of me to refuse to take the night off. There was no one left to swap with. And I am so poor. And I don't have any interest in the Ballet, I would seriously prefer to watch football on TV and I have no interest in football. Since he bought me the ticket, I suppose I would be obliged to buy drinks and what have you on the night. And some kind of bourgois outfit. But I so wanted this Man's love, I so so wanted to be grateful. That he had set me such an impossible task made me angry. I tore up the ticket and threw it in his face a stormed away from him without looking back. Stupid stupid stupid Helga, stupid dum dum dum